Why the Distance?

My husband primarily lives and works in Oklahoma, while I’m permanently here in Dallas. We see each other for a day a few times a month, and then usually for four to six days every fifth week. It’s definitely not what I imagined would happen when I was married before I met Ben, and it’s not going to stay this way forever. But a long distance marriage is what we’re doing now, and for the foreseeable future.

None of this is a complaint – what with all of the layoffs in the oilfield, we are both thrilled and thankful that Ben still has his job. In an economy when most of the people my age are still ten years from buying a home, we’re able to save up a down payment or a safety net if one of us loses our jobs. But there also isn’t a single minute out of any day that I don’t wish he had a normal job in Dallas.

Unlike many oilfield positions, Ben doesn’t have a schedule. There’s no 14 days on, 14 days off for us. That makes it very hard to plan, and it made the ability to work remotely when necessary a priority when I was searching for a job. When he has those rare days at home, I don’t want to lose out on eight precious hours at work. Even though we’re just sitting on the couch together – me working and him playing a video game – just being in the same room as the other is incredibly important.

Every day, I want him home because he’s my husband and I love him. And I know he wants to be home. And that’s how we keep it together.

How we do it

If Ben weren’t as patient as he is or if I weren’t as independent as I am, the distance wouldn’t work. I have my work and running that take up a significant amount of time in my life and allow me to stay focused on things other than Ben’s absence. This blog and my photography and graphic design help too. I have Murray, who never fails to be ridiculous and adorable if I’m having a bad day. Ben is always willing to talk on the phone with me if possible, and I know that we probably talk more than any other couple of the guys he works with.

There are some benefits, too. Being rather independent and stubborn in my ways, it’s really nice to be able to come home and determine how my evenings will play out without having to consider the preferences of someone else. This allows me the flexibility to go for a run an hour after work and then spend the rest of the night putzing around the house, which is just how I like it. There’s no mad rush to get the run done in the 5:00 heat and shower so that we can go do something before we need to get in bed. It’s okay that I spend an hour and a half on weekend mornings running instead of hanging out in bed or going out to breakfast. I can cook whatever I want for dinner, or just graze on grapes and rice cakes all day if I want.

That also means that when Ben comes home, I know we’re going to be going out and trying new restaurants and watching movies, which is something to look forward to. We can go for bike rides when he’s home, too, which we both enjoy.

When things start getting unbearable, which is usually about when summer starts, we begin the process of planning our next vacation. This started when we were planning our honeymoon, but it’s helping this year too. (The wedding planning was exactly the opposite experience. Stressful and dread-inducing. Never again.) We’re in the process of planning a vacation to road trip to Rochester, New York where we’ll be able to visit his dad and stepmother and celebrate our first anniversary.

Sometimes it gets awkward when you’re trying to explain it to other people. My family still asks me when he’s going to be back next, even though that’s usually not an answer anyone knows. One of the interns at work asked me if we go out and do things with other married couples, and I had to explain to her that we usually don’t, either because he’s not here or because he is here and we don’t tend to want to share that scarce time with other peopleYou’ll run into friends from high school or college and they congratulate you on getting married, but there’s no husband to be found. Part of the reason that I don’t do much on my own is that I’d either rather do them with Ben or that it’s a little weird to go do them by yourself. I could go out and do things with friends, but if it’s really something fun, I’d probably want Ben to be there to do it too.

How Much Longer

We don’t have an end date. We’re not really sure how long the distance is going to last, but it’s probably going to be another couple of years at least. That knowledge can be daunting on bad days. I still allow myself to eat a pint of Halo Top and be sad on the couch for a night when he leaves, because it doesn’t really get easier. But that in itself is a blessing, really. We’ve done distance for three and a half years of our time together. And the fact that it’s not easier to say goodbye means that we’re still as in love, or more in love, than we were at the beginning. We live very separate lives, but we haven’t disconnected because of the distance.

I will gladly trade in the miles as soon as possible, but we’re going to be fine until that happens.